The following stories are re-enactments of true crime cases taken from the files of the Liberty City PD Mob Unit. These are true-to-life, raw and uncut tales of “Cops ‘n Crooks“, the Cops on the streets, trying to keep the peace and the Crooks who love to disturb it. The cases are real. Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.

5:30 PM- The call comes in hot over the wire. We’ve finally pinpointed the location of that mob boss piece of sh–, Don Moretti. Guy’s got a rap sheet long as your leg, everything from extortion and petty larceny to human trafficking and even the big ‘H’. I mean sure, we’ve been after this guy for a while now but we just couldn’t make anything stick. He made a fatal mistake though when he sent those goons of his to the D.A.’s son’s apartment to set him straight. Turns out the D.A.’s boy was getting wrapped up in some heavy sh–, owed the mob like 80 large behind a newfound gambling/coke habit.

They were only supposed to go in there, rough him up a bit, remind him why it’s important to pay your debts. But somewhere along the line everything went tits up and somebody royally screwed the pooch. It was the maid who found his body the next day. Two to the head, one to the heart. Double tap execution style hit. Talk about overkill.

Later that week we so happened to pull over one of the guys responsible. Just on a routine traffic stop, mind. We had no idea he was even the one. Our guy was only about to write him a citation for failure to yield but this f—’s convinced we’ve got him dead to rights. He starts giving up everybody: names, dates, faces, a real Colonel Mustard in the green house with the lead pipe kinda deal. You never heard a canary sing so sweet. Says he was only in it to rough the D.A.’s kid up; he’s got a kid himself and he just wanted to make sure he could afford his braces. He didn’t sign up to be a killer. Best part of all, he says Don Moretti set up the whole thing and he’s willing to testify to as much in court, in exchange for leniency.

So now we got that bastard Moretti right where we want him. Sweeten the pot, the D.A. informed us in not so many words he wouldn’t be too broken up about it if the don were unable to make his court date. After all, it’d be a shame if he were to wiggle out of the charges again. So looks like it’s heavy ordinance, full auto.

Game over, you fat f—.

Word on the street is Moretti’s looking to skip town so it’s no surprise that the N.O.O.S.E. team we sent to his estate out in Westdyke came up empty. Lucky for us one of the workers at the Globe Oil company spots him and a group of his men skulking around at one of their refineries. He couldn’t have been that hard to spot. Just look for the guy leaving the slime trail. Heh…

Johnson’s in the driver seat today so he throws on the lights and we speed towards the scene. Personally I wish he’d kill the big flashy display so’s we can sneak up to ‘em more discreet like, but Johnson’s always done things his own way. I set the GPS for him, right in that f— Moretti’s lap, see how he likes it. Don’t know what the hell’s gotten into Johnson today, though, because he completely disregards the GPS and takes his own route. One that adds a full 2 1/2 minutes to our travel time. Time we don’t have to spare when dealing with a possible escaping fugitive.

C’mon, c’mon. I say, tapping my lap impatiently with the fingers of my left hand, the right clenched tightly around my MP-10. It’s a seven man squad so in addition to us four there’s another car carrying three more guys which means we’re guaranteed to catch him. Well, I don’t want to get too cocky; word is Moretti’s got just as many shooters waiting on his end as we do ours. Heinman’s in the seat next to me and I see him getting antsy as all get out. Apparently he’s just as frustrated with Johnson’s sh—y driving as I am.

Well, maybe he’s more frustrated because he hauls off and jumps right out the car, while we’re doing almost 70. Crazy bastard survives it too. Instead of continuing on after the boss, Johnson stops the car and starts honking the horn at Heinman. Heinman could care less; he’s got the gun pointed at traffic and commandeers a soccer mom’s minivan. Guess he figured anything’s better than riding with a guy who’s got no idea what the hell he’s doing. Johnson’s still right behind him, leaning on the horn like he’d all but forgotten why the hell we were even out here.

Oh for Chris’sake, this is ridiculous. I don’t know what the hell Johnson’s deal is but I bail on him just like Heinman and we both locate new cars. Guess he takes the hint because he finally speeds off again, sirens blaring. By the time I make it to Globe Oil Moretti’s already fled the scene.

The backup car manages to catch up with two of his henchman though, right as they’re trying to climb into a jet black Cavalcade FXT inside a small gated parking lot. Our guys rain down a hail of bullets on the SUV, wasting both of them. I notice another brown car pull up and inside is our 4th man, Peters. Guess he finally got tired of Johnson’s driving too. He pulls up to the dark black SUV and empties another clip into it, just to make sure they’re dead. He wastes too much time. Another goomba comes up out of nowhere and pops him right in the temple. He’s dead before the gob of spittle at the tip of his lip hits the steering wheel.

Nothing I can do for him now so I speed off, letting off a few shots at the Guinea f— who plugged him, vowing to myself to come back and take out the trash once I’m done with Moretti. I come up on two more of his guys in a gray Admiral sedan. Now there is something I can do about them. I ram them hard from behind in my Merit, letting off a spray of bullets. They return fire, even tag me a few times. Heinman comes up in his soccer mom car and opens fire on them too.

Heh.

Sure, he looks ridiculous but we get the job done. Well, apparently he gets the job done because I found out later that ballistics traced both the bullets that killed them back to his gun, meaning that pr–k got credit for both kills. How do you like that; I’m sitting here doing all the work, he steps in and gets all the glory.

To hell with this, I gotta find the boss. Doesn’t take too long either, because up ahead I see a couple big explosions. I make it to the scene and our guys have got Moretti pinned down in a beat up old Futo. Looks like the boss has gotten his mitts on a couple hand grenades. Can’t aim them for sh– though as he only manages to take out a couple parked cars before our boys plug him. I’m too late to get a piece of the don; that honor goes to the psychos in car two but I do waste one of his boys just as he’s capping another one of ours.

“The boss has been taken out.” the voice comes in over the radio. “Good job, boys.”

I look back on it now and it’s kinda funny. Well, not funny ha-ha but funny… Well, you know. It’s just like that poem, ol’ Whatshisface, Ozymandingo or whatever. He built up this huge empire, thinking it’d last forever then one day it all just dries up and blows away. Guy lives his whole life in luxury: expensive homes, expensive suits, expensive cars, expensive planes, expensive yachts. But when it’s all said and done this is how he ends up, shot to death in an old dirty sedan on an old dirty street in Alderney.

Burn in hell, you guinea bastard.

Special thanks to PAFreakFlorian on YouTube, whose awesome “Cops ‘n Crooks Fun n’ Fails” video series should have ten times as many hits as they do now and from which most of these gameplay images come from. Seriously, check these things out, they’re great.

When not writing articles like this one, Darron is busy being the Monroe Pop Culture Examiner on behalf of Examiner.com. For more of his work kindly direct your attention here.

*UPDATED 1/10/12– I got some really great material this past weekend; I should be doing a post on it soon. This was a fun experiment, something i’d definitely like to repeat in the future. Apologies to all those I missed, i’ll try to make it up to you all next time.*

Presented here is a look back at the weapons that have been used in the Grand Theft Auto series throughout the years. With Grand Theft Auto 5 looming one can only wonder at what devices for mayhem the series is going to equip players with this time. However, given the history of the series we can infer a number of educated guesses as to which weapons will be returning as well as create a wishlist of which other “off and on” devices—and new ones—should be included in the new edition as well. I’ve mostly focused on console versions of the franchise, so apologies to those handheld aficionados out there. If you think there’s a really good weapon I missed that was included on Chinatown Wars or any of the other handheld GTA’s, then by all means let me know.

All weapon icon images courtesy gta.wikia.com.

GTA 1
The first GTA was completely different from what we now know as the series. It was presented from a 2d, top down perspective as opposed to the 3d genre-changing sandbox franchise we know it as today. However, for those who played this introductory chapter in the much storied franchise they also know the game had a depth to it that belied its otherwise simple presentation and it was endlessly replayable and just downright fun. There were only four main weapons in the first GTA, a pistol, machine gun, flamethrower and rocket launcher. It also had the car bomb, which has been brought back off and on throughout the series.

GTA 2
GTA took much of what worked in GTA1, discarded much of what didn’t, and gave fans a much more compelling game as a result. It was still presented in the same 2d angle as the first game but with a much more cohesive story and mission structure. It maintained the four weapons from the original game while adding six new ones. Interestingly this early chapter in the game introduced dual-wield, a function that Rockstar has only ever revisited sporadically, once in GTA: San Andreas, then again in GTA: Chinatown Wars. GTA 2 would also be where the shotgun, grenade and molotov were introduced to the series. GTA 2 even had a silenced submachine gun, introducing elements of stealth into the series. It also had a weird super-futuristic “shocker” type gun that could latch onto numerous targets at once and completely fry everything onscreen. GTA 2 also included the “oil slick” as a weapon players could drop out the back of their car, throwing cops or other pursuers off their tail.

GTA 3
Which brings us to the king, the godfather of sandbox gaming as we know it. Anyone who had become a devout convert to the Church of GTA after the excellent GTA2 knew that the upcoming 3d version of the game was going to change the face of gaming. GTA3 did not disappoint, going on to become the game that defined the PS2, while also being a big part of the reason it dominated the last console cycle. This was the game that made casual fans, or people who weren’t really into video games stop and pay attention. It pushed the weapons quotient up to 13 and with the inclusion of the baseball bat also became the first time melee weapons were included in the series. It introduced a number of innovations, weapons-wise into the series, including the sniper rifle, two different types of assault rifle (AK and AR-15) and the remote detonated bomb.

GTA: Vice City
Vice City took everything about GTA 3 and kicked them up to an insane level. Whereas GTA 3 had one melee weapon Vice City had many, including everything from brass knuckles, a golf club and meat cleaver to a katana sword and even the “Tony Montana special”, a chainsaw. It also introduced revolvers to the series with the .357 magnum. Vice City even brought a chaingun out to play and when you absolutely, positively have to kill every m.f.’er in the room, accept no substitute. Notable about Vice City was that not only did players have 3 different assault rifles to choose from, they were also given a variety of different submachine guns, 3 different shotguns and 2 forms of sniper rifle. For those who preferred a more S.W.A.T. like approach, the game also had tear gas. Vice City also introduced the use of cameras to the series.

GTA: San Andreas
And what discussion of Grand Theft Auto weapons would be complete without a mention of San Andreas? With nearly 40 different instruments to choose from (and with some of the more “X-rated” armaments included in the game, I use the term very loosely) there was an absolutely insane amount of different ways to subdue foes. It had satchel bombs, spray paint, fire extinguishers, night vision goggles, nightsticks, pool cues and more. San Andreas was the first time the desert eagle was available as an in-game weapon. And who could forget everyone’s favorite James Bond fantasy accessory, the jetpack. And yeah, this is more of a vehicle than a weapon but they included it as part of the weapons slot, so so have I. Along with the parachute, which made the flying portions of the game just that much more crazy and fun. Who hasn’t taken a copter or plane up as high as they can possibly go and then bailed out and watched the ground rush up at terminal velocity, before deploying their chute at the last second?

Grand Theft Auto 4
GTA 4 took a more scaled back approach to weapons, giving us only 15 options to choose from. This was definitely a letdown considering San Andreas’ monstrous offering. Maybe Rockstar was making things small again, leaving out a few obvious additions just to give fans something to hope for in the sequel. The game was also hurt by balancing issues, where the AR-15 became the go-to weapon for practically every encounter and the Molotov was almost useless in a firefight. The selection for GTA 4 was serviceable enough but crazy weapons are a signature of the GTA series and hopefully GTA V will be a marked return to form.

GTA4: Lost and Damned
LaD kept all the weapons from GTA 4 while adding six more. The most notable of these being the pipe bomb and grenade launcher, both weapons that haven’t been seen before in one shape or another in the series.

All weapon icon images courtesy gta.wikia.com.

GTA4: The Ballad of Gay Tony
Gay Tony only kept the grenade launcher from Lost and Damned, while adding a number of new military ordinance grade weapons. The automatic shotgun added explosive ammo to the mix. The advanced machine gun has a high rate of fire and is key for taking on multiple enemies. The advanced sniper rifle allows players to fire multiple shots while sniping. ‘Gay Tony’ also brought back the parachute for more helicopter bailing fun.

Grand Theft Auto 5
I don’t think it’d be a stretch to say we can expect to see the pistol, shotgun, submachine gun and AR return for GTA 5. Some of the weapons that definitely should make a return include detonator bombs, the flamethrower, the chainsaw, katana and other melee weapons, sticky bombs, car bombs and pipe bombs. Borrowing a page from past entries I wouldn’t be adverse to the oil slick weapon from GTA 2 returning. Imagine a high speed pursuit where players are able to deploy oil or tacks out the back of their cars to slow down the police. The taser from Chinatown Wars was a novel idea and would be a welcome addition to the new game. Smoke bombs and tear gas grenades would be good. Definitely the parachute. At this point the parachute should be standard gear for every GTA going forward.

Since we’re going to California’s mountains for the new game what about wingsuits? Or rock climbing spikes and shoes? How about a grappling hook that players can throw and use to climb and/or rappel down buildings with. Or zip lines that players can fire and use to travel from one building to another. Maybe a cat burglar suit and accompanying accessories so there will be literally no limit to the things we can do and places we can go? Parkour was a step in the right direction for GTA 4 but even that wasn’t nearly as fluid or extreme as it could’ve been.

GTA represents the ultimate urban gaming environment so why not give players the ultimate amount of choices to traverse this environment with? Any new weapons/items should be ones that change the dynamic of the game or force players to think of things in a new way. The main suggestion I have for the game is to provide a wide variety of all weapon types with varying degrees of power, speed, range, reload etc. to each so that each player’s individual play style and preference in guns can be accommodated. There should also be a high degree of weapon customization possible, with scopes, silencers, infrared tech, etc.

So, do you have any ideas of your own for new (or returning) weapons you’d like to see in GTA 5? Leave your suggestions in the comments section.

Want more by this writer? Check out Darron’s article on Movies opening this weekend, including Chronicle, Woman in Black and more. (Updated 02/04/12)

Grand Theft Auto 4 offered a number of memorable online modes including GTA Race, Turf Wars, Bomb da Base and fan favorite, Cops ‘n’ Crooks. With that in mind the question on every online gamers lips is exactly what sort of online experience will the new game have to offer. Here is my wishlist:

• Bring the GTA 4 modes back- Rockstar’s first foray into online co-op GTA gameplay was a big hit with fans and critics alike. All, or nearly all of the online modes were incredibly fun and I wouldn’t mind doing it all over again in Los Santos’ much larger playground. Here’s hoping they make a return appearance in GTA 5.